The Great Lake

At the end of 2012, and the first half of 2013, I was presented with a fork in the road: A major life decision which was also a test and be a huge life lesson all rolled up into one. A love story, loss story, my first experience of deep depression and anxiety, ultimately a test of my resolve to keep to My Truth, even if it meant taking the much ‘harder’ unknown road, making a choice based on intuition and feeling, rather than fear. A hard, but treasured lesson (s) which I can see so clearly now, in hindsight. 

Lesson 1: Do what is True in your heart. Even if that means going against what everyone else may think is the ‘right’ thing to do. 

Lesson 2: Accept the consequences and rewards of said choice, with grace and non-negativity.

Lesson 3: Do not judge others, instead focus on yourself. You do NOT know the story behind someone’s eyes. Again and again, we are reminded that being judgemental is a spiritual error. My journey and decision was judged by everyone around me (except for a rare, few dear friends who were my light in the darkness – thank you, I love you so much!). I vowed I would not judge someone else, on their decisions, their Truths, their strengths, their weaknesses, their attitude, their character or lack thereof, because I have not walked their footsteps, have not experienced what they have, and do not know their story. 

I’ll tell you now, these lessons are a lot easier to say than to do!

My love story (summarised)

My previous partner and I were together for 4 years, and we were good friends for many years before that. He was well loved and integrated into my group of friends. Our friendship group was a very close-knit family, caring, supportive and had the best of times together. A really special bond. Especially on our ‘getaways’ – such good times sharing in a love of board games, booze, adventure and food! My then-partner and I were lucky and content, good friends, mutual respect and care for each other. On our 4th year together, he proposed and I was ecstatic to say ‘Yes’ to a wonderful man. Yet, simultaneously, I felt a ‘tug’ deep down in the pit of my stomach. A little part inside of me ‘poked’ me and I felt the words “But He is still here!” I didn’t know at the time, but now I understand that ‘little voice’ was my consciousness, my intuition. I squished it. Ignored it. Continued to lock the feelings away into a deep vault inside. 

‘He’ that my intuition was referring to, was F (I’ll keep to initials). F was my deep love. My unrequited love. My secret love. The love that the stars didn’t align for and I had given up hope that one day, the love would be requited. The love that I learnt to smother from a raging flame, down to a burning ember that just wouldn’t burn out, no matter what I tried to do. So I had popped that ember into a vault and put it away deep inside. 

F and I first met working together at the Cinemas (yes, making popcorn and tearing ticket stubs nawww). I was 16 graduating High School and F was 18, just starting Uni. I saw him from afar and was instantly drawn to him. Intrigued and fascinated, a familiarity that I didn’t understand why. I boiled it down to having a silly crush on him. And I was so incredibly shy at the time, and so, what seemed like a solid year, I fascinated about him in secret. I’d check the roster for his name and my insides did flip-flops when I saw he was working the same days, even if he was working in a different area of the cinema. Just knowing he was around was exciting! At this point, I had never even said Hi or shared a glance or anything. Pretty funny, I know!

It didn’t help that one day, whilst having lunch break with a friend in the staff room, F walked in and greeted everyone in the room. Of course, I silently shrunk and disappeared into my chair. My eyes must have followed him like a puppy because my friend sitting next to me, laughed and said “He’s pretty cute, but don’t bother, he goes to Scotch college and lives on that castle on top of Glenferrie Rd, Kew.” I had no idea what that meant at the time, but it didn’t sound good. I later learnt that Scotch was a prestigious private boys school and Glenferrie Rd, Kew was where the ‘affluent’ people live. So having a ‘castle’ in Kew was well, cherry on top. I was guilty of believing this grossly wrongly perception of him, I had judged him before I had gotten to know him. That innocent statement from my friend however, consolidated a belief that would take 14 years to break down. That I wasn’t worthy of him. 

I had, in comparison, grown up in what I describe as Melbourne’s version of “The Bronx”. My mum had passed away when I was near 2 years old, and my dad raised me on his own for most of my life. We were on the move all the time, here and there, just father and daughter. Dad is very intelligent, charismatic and charming and could have easily left me with my grandparents in Netherlands where I was born. But he had made a promise to my mum, before she passed, that he would care and raise me to his best abilities. And he sacrificed his youth to keep his promise. 

For his faults which I would experience later in my teenage years, he had loved and protected me, sacrificed a care-free life to raise me on his own, as a refugee in a new county. One of my earliest memory was dad waking me up at 4 or 5am (I remember the cold and crisp morning air on my face) when we first lived in Sydney, bundling me up in blanket, popping me into the backseat and dropping me off at an old nanny’s house, whilst he worked a long shift as a taxi driver in Sydney to scratch a living. After his long shift, he would pick me up, cook dinner, feed, bath and tuck me into bed. We would ‘share’ and lodge in spare bedrooms of homes with friends. Which meant we moved often, because the rooms became unavailable or dad felt it was no longer safe for me. 

We eventually settled down in Richmond, Melbourne when I was in grade 5, in the commission flats (government rebate high-rise apartments) where he would work hard, save to send me to an affordable private Catholic school close by. I never had any complaints, never felt poor or wanted more. We were far from living in abundance, but I was well loved and had everything that I needed. I never felt like I had less than anyone or that I wanted more. My blissful little bubble of innocence. I have very fond memories of running around playing water-balloon tag with all the other commission-flat kids, playing at the playground, riding my bike and taking on epic marble-duels! I made amazing life-long friends in Richmond and although I was still painfully shy, I was happy!

That staff room day, was the first time I experienced ‘social’ status and wealth divide. I didn’t necessarily feel ‘less’ than, but I felt that my world was different from his world. And that I didn’t belong in his world. Fast forward a little, I was still very much drawn to him. I remember once such occasion when he had called from the Cinema Europa (cinemas showing art-house movies) to Candy Bar asking for a big bag of popcorn. I hastily volunteered to deliver the popcorn. I remember so vividly (albeit with a cringe on my face) walking up the colourful star-print carpet slope towards the Cinema Europa bar where he was stationed. This was our very first face to face encounter... and I was petrified!! I passed the threshold of the stairs and our eyes locked. He had a smirk (?) and looked somewhat gleeful, but I honestly can’t remember very well because internally I was FREAKING OUT! Our first conversation went like this:

F: Hi, I’m F! 

Me: ………….

Apparently my eyes had widened, I remember THROWING the huge bag of popcorn over the bar at him turned on my heels and RAN out of the bar. Smooth, I know. Hence, the cringing face I have right now - Not my finest moment. 

Happily, that was the start of a very endearing and competitive, friendship! I was eventually ‘promoted’ into Cinema Europa and Gold Class where we would banter, jostle, tease and wind each other up (I still make MUCH better coffees, and the better pool player). F was dating another lovely girl at work, so that made squishing my feelings a lot easier. But they were always there, a strange magnet-sensation, an exciting, warm, fuzzy feeling every time we were in the same room. 

Even after leaving the cinemas after graduating, and working in the typical corporate world, we remained stead-fast friends. Always there for each other when we had ups and downs with family, respective partners, work, friends, life in general. Always on the same page, hours would pass in minutes and the farewells were always a drawn out, tearing apart of the magnets. 

I never told him how I felt, and neither did he. We came close to spilling the beans once, but our timing was always terrible. He was always dating someone when I was single, and vice versa. In 2011, F moved overseas to work abroad. I was with my then-partner, and it felt like we were worlds apart, the door had closed, the ember locked away. 

Apparently the Universe had other plans! Christmas 2012, F flew home to spend time with his family. So F’s close friends in Melbourne organised a ‘welcome home’ dinner, and I went along with my then-partner. 

There are some things that can not by locked away and suppressed. As soon as F walked through the door, that little ember burst through the vault, engulfed it and blazed stronger than I had ever felt. I didn’t know what to do! So I sat there quietly, trying to avoid eye contact and frantically internally batting out the raging flames and overwhelming wave of emotions. 

The few weeks after that dinner turned my life upside down. On the other side of the story, F had also experienced a similar feeling at that fateful dinner (he describes it as a tidal wave), and battled with his own internal tug-a-war. He eventually decided to write a letter to me, that would put down 14 years of regret, putting it all on the line, explaining he had never loved anyone the way he loved me, and if I felt the same, he would happily move back to Melbourne and he would “go wherever I would go”. And he would marry me, tomorrow. 

The Notebook much!? In reality, it was both the happiest day of my life, and the worst. In an effort not to write a novel, I’ll fast-forward all the crazy whirlwind of emotions, a rollercoaster of heartache, joy, sadness, excitement, guilt, you name it. At the end of Summer, I gave F my answer, which was a ‘No’. I had made a promise, a commitment to my then-partner to marry him, and I would keep that commitment. That he was a good man and I couldn’t break his heart, it was the right thing to do. F was heartbroken, we said our sorrowful farewells to each other, but also to the 14 years of longing to share our lives together. F flew back to the UK, and I tried to pick up the pieces of my life and go back to ‘normal’. We kept in contact but sparingly as I was trying to salvage my relationship with my then-partner. 

My choice clearly did not align with my spirit, and it was NOT happy. It manifested into my physical body as a spiralling down to deep depression and anxiety. I can only describe the next 6 months after my ‘choice’ as a heavy fog. I was always exhausted, sleeping 10-16 hour days, I barely ate from loss of appetite, I developed a nervous scratching that resulted in bleeding and broken skin and scalp, my hair started to fall out in large clumps, and I felt utterly and hopelessly alone. Even with my then-partner by my side and with my group of friends and family. My then-partner and I talked through the chaos openly and tried to work on strengthening our relationship from it. We became however, like housemates. He withdrew, and so did I. Deep down, I was a dark void. I couldn’t see or feel the sunshine, no matter how bright the day. My soul was suffering. I was in complete despair. 

Mercifully, I had an amazing manager at work, who gave me space when I needed it. When I wasn’t at work, I turned to meditation for solace. I’d come home, explain to my then-partner I was tired (which I was) and I’d spend all day in the bedroom, sleeping or meditating, my only comfort.  

In these months when I turned to meditation, I hoped and willed the universe to give me strength and courage so that my soul would align with my decision and I could start climbing my way out of the abyss I was in. And every time, in deep meditation, I would come to a Great Lake. 

The Great Lake became my haven. With its clear blue skies, bright and sunny, the sound of birds singing their sweet melody, gentle waving grass blades on the shores of the lake, speckled with a rainbow of sweet-scented flowers. It was a great place of calm and tranquillity. I would always be sitting by the Lake, and I would always look into the water’s edge. I could see the usually crystal clear water all stirred up and muddy with the sediment of the dirt and sand from the Lake floor. And I just knew, that it represented my emotions, all crazy and stirred up. My answer of what to do, would be on the bottom floor, a face, either F or my then-parter would appear and than I would be free of the what-ifs, because the Universe would tell me who was right for me. I just had to calm my emotions to see the answer. So I kept focusing on my meditation, to calm the despair. Months went by, and one day, I knew I was calmer. I looked into the Lake’s edge, and the answer was there. 

I didn’t see either of the men’s faces! I saw my own reflection. And I burst out laughing and crying at the same time, because it was the most obvious answer, but I COULD NOT see it. Until then, and the revelation hit me like a lightening bolt. I was desperately trying to put other people’s well-being before my own, and trying to avoid hurting anyone and but took on the guilt and pain onto myself. If I chose F, it would devastate my then-partner. If I chose to stay with my then-partner (and my group of friends), I would devastate F. I couldn’t win and I tore myself apart desperately trying to appease everyone. I had seriously contemplated choosing neither, and joining a monastery somewhere in Asia if that meant there were no fallouts and I could save everyone the misery. In doing so, I completely ignored what I wanted. What my heart wanted. My answer was then crystal clear, even though I had no idea what our relationship would be like, but I knew it was F. Just because we had been good friends, didn’t mean we would be good partners. The road was unclear, and bumpy to say the least. 

When I finally reached this realisation, I had to pull up the courage to do the unthinkable. I broke the news to my then-partner, and to my friends, and to my family. I broke the engagement and in one twist of fate, I turned my whole life upside down. I volunteered to move out of my house to ease the pain for my then-partner of living under the same roof, until he was able to move back into his rented apartment. But I didn’t actually have anywhere to go. My dad and I had a turbulent relationship at the time, I didn’t need the added stress. My step-mum didn’t have room at her house as she had relatives staying. I couldn’t find short term rentals fast enough (pre AnirBnB) and so, I found myself homeless. I couch surfed somedays, slept in my car one or two nights living out of my suitcase, and eventually was able to move into a friends’ sister’s spare bedroom. 

Things took a turn for the worst. My close friends and then eventually all my acquaintances criticised and condemned my decision to break my engagement for ‘another guy’. When I tried to explain, I was called all sorts of names, but the most hurtful one was trying to ‘play the victim’. I had thought my close friends would be by my side to support me through this turbulent time even if they didn’t understand my decision, but in reality, I was the talked about and ostracised. I couldn’t take being kicked whilst while I was down, so I thanked them for their friendship and stepped out of the group (representative by removing myself out of our Whatsapp group). One by one, I was removed/blocked from their Facebook, knowing full well, I was the ‘harlot’ of the story and would continue to be the villain in the scandal. 

No permanent home, no friends, a broken engagement, no belongings other than my little suitcase, F was still overseas and it was weeks until he was able to fly back for a week. I had lost what I felt was everything (I wasn’t close to my family at the time). I had hit rock bottom. My job was the only thing I had from my ‘old life’. Yes, of course the thought crossed my mind many times to give up. It was all too hard. I had everything and now I had nothing. My then-partner (bless his sweet soul) said he would forgive everything, things would go back to normal if I just came back home. All of it would go away and he would talk to my friends and make it all go back to the way it was, all I had to do was come back home to him. That would have been so easy, to take the easy, known road. But it wasn’t what my soul wanted, I knew that. Even if everyone else didn’t, but I had to trust it. It may not turn out how I wished, but at least I would have tried, no more “what-ifs”. So I took a leap of faith and stuck to my decision. Exciting, exhilarating, scary, life-affirming. Like hanging out of a plane, just before launching out in a skydive!

5 years later, I look back with such clarity that I didn’t have then (isn’t hindsight wonderful). I hit rock-bottom, to leave my ‘old-life’ behind and step into a new life. And it has been heaven ever since. The guilt carried with me for 2 years, I would often burst into random fits of tears. At night, I would often excuse myself and lock myself in the bathroom to cry out the guilt I still hung onto. But again, through meditation, I was able to let go and realise the guilt served no purpose. Casting my mind back into the past served no purpose, other than to distract me from my blissful happiness of Now. My Happily Ever After. 

F and I married in Nov 2014 in a rustic, intimate wedding, in an olive-grove, shared with our closest family and friends. We’ve since shared a life-time worth of adventures in the 5 years together, including welcoming the light of our lives, our sweet and cheeky 2 year old daughter. Blessed, blissfully happy, content, joyful, as if the Universe is pouring its infinite love into my life, even those words don’t quite cut it, don’t quite encapsulate the peace, balance and union that our little family shares. And it was all because we listened to our soul, took a leap of faith and took the hard-road, and now live in our Happily Ever After. 

Lesson 1: Do what is True in your heart. 

Lesson 2: Accept the consequences and rewards of said choice, with grace and non-negativity.

Lesson 3: Do not judge others, instead focus on yourself